Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   Other kids grew up watching SpongeBob. I watched The West Wing.

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   just Who is Donald Trump's campaign manager now anyway???

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.