Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.

   I will never lose my virginity cause I wanna set a good example for my kids

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   Mosquitos everywhere keeping it real by wishing everyone a Happy First Week of Spring. Remember us?

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.

   With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex

   Just like the Government....I feel shut-down when my wife talks too much too....

   Happy "GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN" DAY...again everyone

   Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order)

   Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.