Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you're married, everybody looks good to you.

   I'm really starting to get along with this guy my wife turned me into.

   Now patiently waiting for El Chapo from Mexico to send threats to hunter Dr Palmer... Maybe he's out of Data Minutes.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   sees influx of duck face pics. *Unholsters NES Zapper

   HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed

   What's that called when out of the blue she asks you to squeeze her cantaloupes in the grocery?

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   There's a closet pervert in each and every one of you. . .

   My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

   [being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

   *walks into the liquor store* What kind of black Friday deals yall got going on?

   My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....

   I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.

   Ralphie looking at leg lamp:[narrating as Adult] "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my coffee!

   thats the last time I buy Sushi from the dollar store!

   I crossbred a squirrel with a spider. It craws up your leg and eats your nuts.

   I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.