Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   can you just let us believe in who we want to.. quit trying to convince us otherwise

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses