Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take it Kevin Costner's been fired then...

   Dear radio stations, You do know there are more than 5 songs in the world, right? Sincerly annoyed listeners.

   If you watch the Titanic backwards..Its about a magical boat that saves people

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   before getting married there are 2 words a man must know that are crucial to his survival....."Yes Dear"........

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

   If a cop pulls you over and asks for papers, he does not mean the zig zag papers.... :/

   Knock knock. Who's there? Weekend! Weekend who? 'We can end' working for a couple of days thank you very much!!!

   Rose are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Do anti- Christian bashers use the internet slang "WTF"?

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   yo mama's so old she has an autographed copy of The Holly Bible.

   I met a girl the other day. She said it's a must for her mate to be into the arts. I told her I am very much into the arts... the art of beer drinking, the art of watching football, and the art of long walks on the beach after anal.

   this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can't talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao