Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV. 
Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?
will Hurricane Matthew be followed by hurricanes Mark, Luke & John?
If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.
Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.
I just put Cheez-Wiz on a Cheez-It......... Like a Boss!
Sorry to disturb you guys, but is this the right place to sign up for a mental breakdown?
Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.
In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.
I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!
I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.
you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.
People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust
Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.
I have 98.9999 problems because rounding up is one of them...
I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too. 