Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   A friend is someone who'll stop whatever he's doing to bring a change of underwear to you at Tio Ricardo's Guadalajara Cantina after you attempted and won the Montezuma's Revenge 50 Lb. Burrito and Enchilda Challenge.

   How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

   Had one of those DNA test done. Turns out I'm related to Adam and Eve.

   f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Merck Pharma, Intel & Under Armour's CEOs all walked away from Trump after the Charlottesville incident? What the heck is going on?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?