Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...

   "Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.

   "You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   6 yrs now the dogs have forgotten fathers day...not even a hug..

   Sure, my glass is half full. But my beer is half empty

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.

   campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

   Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty