Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword

   I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   You'll know right away what they want. You'll just pretend you don't.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   The only problem I have is behaving

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?