Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   Roman Catholic dietary law classified aquatic mammals as fish rather than meat. therefore, you are free to eat beaver on Good Friday.

   Why did Wisconsin Supreme Court change to the Dems? I think I'm going to kill myself.

   If you drive by my house and see a bunch of kids scooping dog poop, mind your business. They're on a field trip

   I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

   Wife asked me what I wanted for Valentines, I pointed to my head and asked her to read my mind... That was the last thing I remember before I woke up on the floor... She is good!!

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   They should throw a soccer ball to the pope to juggle so we can be sure be's Argentine

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   I am having so much fun and enjoying my life right now that I would be really pissed if I were to die.

   The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is going to be born prematurely. Like father, like son.

   Time to start pro-caffeinating before I start procrastinating for the day.

   Fellas; Sometimes women say they're fine because they know that's all you really want to hear.

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptise a cat.