Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey guys!!!!!! A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   Do you have to go to the DMV to register as a sex offender or can you do it online? Asking for 14 friends and an uncle.

   It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.

   Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.

   Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?

   Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?