Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

   What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?

   Just because she is constantly under FBI investigation and has been proven to be totally corrupt doesn't mean she's unqualified to be President of the United States! just kidding

   "I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - Pumpkin

   Spinal Tap: When you're lying in bed facing away from your partner and you feel two taps on your back; the universal signal for, "wanna?"

   The Flubs. 109 and counting

   American media be like: "This just in... Russia dumps a load of manure at DNC Headquarters"

   I have come to the sad conclusion that Common Sense is a lot like a Deodorant! ... Yup ... The people who need it the most .... Never Use It.

   If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

   I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.