Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.

   I've gotten so good at deciphering acronyms that I listed is as a qualification on my resume'

   Reading the box for my microwave dinner and the instructions said "take top off...." I was thinking, 'why would I have to take my top off.'

   I huff and puff and take your welfare away....,,

   If anyone called me a tough cookie I would be so insulted because tough cookies are the absolute worse.

   Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.

   Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.

   ...... It's Dark vs Light .... Not Black vs White .......

   I am crying finding out that the world's greatest neurosurgeons finally meet, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Dr. Derek Shepard. What?!?! They are supposed to be dead.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   CarefreeBlackKids2k16 offers both heated arguments with friends and figuring out how the dog filter works on Snapchat. Great way to unite America!

   Nothing says come at me like high waisted jorts and sensible sneakers.

   If Trump builds a wall do the gays get to decorate it?

   This status was written and copyrighted in America, stolen by the Chinese, and re-branded. But I was able to get it for a really good deal on EBay. Just took like a month to get here.

   I once thought I would become a vegetarian because of how much I loved farm animals, then I realized how much I loved farm animals and there is no way I would become a vegetarian.

   You win some You lose some You set some on fire.

   Don't you wish they would invent a Clap-on Clap-off device for some peoples mouths? Well .... Until then I guess the usual "Apply Fist to Face" routine will have to do.

   Turns out doing and saying not very well thought out things is actually a very dumb stupid idiotic thing to do ..... Just ask my wife ..... Well .... Ex-Wife now.

   New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.

   I rise to join your Pokemon cult!