Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.

   seeking a meaningful overnight relationship

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.

   I would have to disagree... I don't believe a witches tit is this cold....

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   People who win the lottery always say something like, "I never imagined it would happen to me." Bullshi*t, everyone imagines winning the lottery!

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

   Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%