Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walk a mile in my shoes... Then walk another mile... In fact, just keep the shoes and keep walking.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...

   I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.

   I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

   has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?!

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   Sometimes in order to see the light, you must blind yourself to bullsh*t

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?

   Kama Sutra has finally been published as an audio book. Unfortunatly the audio is provided by Gilbert Gottfried.

   thought the iPad was for the iPod for Bostonians

   Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember

   our finger prints last forever on the people we touch

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!