Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?

   I thought that Pokemon Go was a facebook app that encourages Jamaicans to use the Poke feature.

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   It’s easier to come out of the closet than it is to say you like Trump.

   BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.

   Verizon buys Yahoo's "core business" for $4.8 billion. Yahoo's "core business" is of course, "email accounts last used 5 years ago."

   Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.