Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you have the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.

   The hardest question of the weekend...can or bottle?

   The wife is playing Wii table tennis and screaming at the TV. The kids are hiding in their room. LMAO!

   I wish Google knew if he still loved me..

   This weekend: The Oscars, who will make the best dressed list? Who cares? The question I want answered is who will make the best undressed list!

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

   Grand Theft Auto is the only sourse in which I am able to express myself freely without any consequences

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.

   its National Coming Out Day. What ever you do don't take that call from Grandma. Trust Me on this.

   There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   Procrastinators unite!…Tomorrow..

   Life can be like a prick, Sometimes it gets hard for no apparent reason.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   Its hard to work when the theme song to the Gummi Bears cartoon is running through your head

   Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   Dear buffalo wings: What happened to us? You were soooo good to me last night. But today… all I can say is OUCH!

   If I ever get arrested, do I have a good enough friend to come to my house and clear my browseer before they can obtain the search warrant??

   Trying to write a country song. What rhymes with, My dog drank all my beer and my wife left me?