Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   should have gotten some actual friends before making a Facebook account!

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   Every good friend once was a stranger.

   We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.

   Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?

   On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

   cant believe its not butter

   going to keep his Facebook account but delete his real life...

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   I LOVE it when people that I don't like friend request me on Facebook, I feel like St. Peter --- DE-NIED! Ü

   oh dear... I seemed to have lost my diet instead of the weight...

   I choose to be different because being normal is boring.

   Definition of stupid; person who locks their keys in the car...and it takes them an hour to get their family out.

   it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

   Oh, I believe ya.... but my tommy gun don't!

   And on the 8th day, God made Cheez Its

   How bad do you Sing..... "On a scale of vuvuzela to Justin Bieber??"

   anyone else sick and tired of seeing the name LeBron James? I mean crap! Until a few weeks ago I thought he was a rapper. WTF