Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   divorce is unexpected sometimes...I know you don't have facebook hubby but the biotch your doing that has been creeping my status can give ya this message....lawyer will be in touch with the divorce papers you cheating jerk!!

   don't look at me in that tone of voice

   i think this will possibly be the best valentines day I have ever had... I can feel it in my icebox where my heart used to be

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   McDonald's does not know why sales are lagging. Guess they have not tasted the product.

   What's next TLC...a little people Polygamist family with 38 kids?

   I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery

   You're not a true drama queen until people start making popcorn when they see you walking down the street.

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   The fact that your guy friends stop being funny after getting a girlfriend is proof enough that women are soul sucking banshees.

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   Follow your brain. Your heart's a f*cking idiot.

   Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say “Hi my name is Tom and I am an alcoholic”.

   Jake from State Farm is one ugly woman!!

   roses are red violets are blue.....and since I'm single my balls will be too

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.