Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?

   When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.

   Facebook's great for tedious daily updates from people who should have inched away from you in the natural continental drift of life by now.

   I'm not a gold digger, I just know you can't spell finance without fiancé.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"

   Facebook memories... Just in case you didn't have enough "WTF was I thinking" moments during the day..

   Did you know, The White House was almost the Mauve House if not for a mix up at Sherwin-Williams.

   I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.

   The worst thing about staying in a hotel during your vacation is learning the order of the tv channels.

   If I owned a GoPro, it would just be footage of me walking to our snack drawer.

   Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.

   I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.

   You haven't killed enough of your exes to give me relationship advice.

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   Happiness is when you see your ex dating someone you can draw with your left hand

   Trying to eat healthier. Anyone know how many beers I have to drink to get all my daily vitamins?