Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?
←Rate | 03-10-2017 06:59 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.
←Rate | 11-13-2018 13:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if we boil the lettuce first?
←Rate | 11-22-2018 10:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!
←Rate | 12-24-2018 21:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.
←Rate | 01-08-2019 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do
←Rate | 01-12-2019 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".
←Rate | 01-28-2019 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money
←Rate | 02-07-2019 17:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.
←Rate | 02-12-2019 15:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche.
←Rate | 02-14-2019 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...
←Rate | 03-02-2019 08:56 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!
←Rate | 03-13-2019 20:32 by DJT Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sure not many Brits are relieved May ended before May ended
←Rate | 05-30-2019 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet
←Rate | 07-11-2019 20:48 by ForeheadSlap Comments (1)  


   messageicon Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  




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