Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.

   What if we boil the lettuce first?

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money

   I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche.

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   I'm sure not many Brits are relieved May ended before May ended

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”