Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight!

   To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?

   Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

   If you're over 18 but under 21 and are arrested for drinking alcohol, you can be charged as an adult for being under aged.

   Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

   Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

   I don't care what you look like as long as you don't smell bad.

   aaargh ... just what I need is for my Wife to have another reason to demand I stay at least six feet away from her at all times.