Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   Popeyes favorite tool never rusted because he kept sticking it in Olive Oil.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   That does it!!!! .... Melania and Michelle are going to have to settle this like real women ...... Time for a winner takes all mud wrestling contest!!! Heck ... I'd pay to see that .... Donald .... You listening?

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.