Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.

   My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.

   me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)

   If robots take over, I feel pretty good about my chance of survival. Most of them seem to really like my tweets.

   Googling to find out what you just voted for....should be the last resort.

   Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.

   So apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them..

   Now is the time when we need the calm and reassuring wisdom of people who studied abroad in the UK for a semester this summer.

   I was forced to retire as a Gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   Whoever said "nothing good ever happens at 2 am" clearly never went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and found out the guy also sells weed.

   .... Happy 240th Birthday America.

   Step One: Always have a solid alibi.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   Going to Walmart makes me appreciate the little things like pants that fit, deodorant, and dental insurance.

   The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

   Now I'm worried there's a Pokemon somewhere in my bedroom laughing at me naked.

   The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.

   Haven't played Pokemon Go so I couldn't be part of any conversations at work today.