Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.

   A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.

   The smartest thing I never did, was get married. . .

   Kanye West makes a song about gold diggers, but now has to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money.

   Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went....I'm just happy I got out alive!

   The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

   Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.

   Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.

   Once upon a time there were three little pigs at a pig roast, end of story. . .

   I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

   When you save a beautiful sexy woman from a house fire and she says "Sorry I have a boyfriend."

   I can cope with voices in my head but it is the voices outside my head that are going to drive me crazy.

   Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

   Going to Hell on a full scholarship.

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   ♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫

   Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.

   Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.