Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   The problem with being young is sometimes we don't stop to think, the problem with getter older is sometimes we forget what we were thinking about.

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner