Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I consider gluttony my patriotic duty today.

   no matter how many years go by I still always end up getting banished to the kid table.

   Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. ~Jane Wagner

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone

   Now that KFC has dropped the phrase "Finger licking good" maybe Doritos could use it.

   did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?

   a stranger in a strange land. And that land is Denny's at 3am on a weekend.

   I wish they would make hold music for cell phones

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking

   Dude... I just walked outside and my air conditioner flipped me the finger!

   Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

   You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..

   I'm going back to the social network I enjoyed as a kid. It was called "outside".

   Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding". A little knowledge behind every "I don't know". A little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "it's okay"...

   I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."

   it just me, or are the people who claim they hate drama actually the most dramatic people I know?