Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.