Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   "We used all our brainwashing techniques and we still lost" - US Media

   It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.