Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing