Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

   There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

   Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.