Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.