Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.

   I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.

   Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

   I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.

   This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.

   -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator

   Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

   People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.