Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

   There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

   Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools