Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   [Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.