Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.