Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is what happens when the Cubs win the World Series.

   Cubs win the World Series, Trump wins the Pressidency..what's next? Me in a stable relationship?...I like those odds

   Will be interesting to see which people in the Democr@t command structure get "Suicided" over the next few weeks.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than when my supermodel wife puts a scratch on one of my Lamborghinis.

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile

   Watching the Macy's Thanskgiving Day Parade. It's not a parade, it's a 3 hour ad for Broadway plays. Where's the Bullwinkle float!???

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   This Wiki Leaks is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's Christmas list.

   When I'm bored I like going to down to the train station, making eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   Dear Santa: This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body ... And please don't get it backwards like you did last year!!!

   I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.

   OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   As far as Mariah Carey's lip-synch debacle on New Year's Eve goes, I wasn't paying close enough attention. I was organizing an "over-under" pool as to how many walnuts she could crush with those thighs at one time.