Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!

   Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.