Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....

   If you want to save some money, now might be a good opportunity to tell your kids that Santa did not survive the pandemic