Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   This dualing piano bar would be more enjoyable if I actually got to watch 2 pianists fight to the death like I had orignally anticipated.

   I'll trust a fart after a heavy night of drinking before I'll trust a politician.

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   My whole family graduated from "Drama" school..

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   after picking up and bringing home literally hundreds of women at bars over the years, I can tell you this: I'll never drive a cab again."

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?

   Look out Mr. Boss Man, I had a Barney, two Wilma's and a Deeno before I came in so, let's get this show on the road, buddy-boy

   Police and doctors are fun to watch on TV. Just look at all the shows. In reality, its not as fun when they all watch you. You either done something wrong or something wrong has been done to you.

   Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.

   says "The key to my heart are attached to that knife sticking out of my back."

   Big... Powerful... Makes the ladies scream... Lasts for an hour. No wonder women love Oprah so much.

   wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!