Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   somedays I could do without the life lesson!

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   When are Levi's going away with "Shrink to Fit jeans" to my style..."Stretched to Fit"?

   Ben Franklin invented the wood stove, bifocals, lightning rods, the odometer, was the first to map the gulf stream, the U.S. postal system, and electricity. All I'm saying: If Ben Franklin were alive today, Microsoft, Google, and Apple would be generics..

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   This dualing piano bar would be more enjoyable if I actually got to watch 2 pianists fight to the death like I had orignally anticipated.

   I'll trust a fart after a heavy night of drinking before I'll trust a politician.

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   My whole family graduated from "Drama" school..

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   after picking up and bringing home literally hundreds of women at bars over the years, I can tell you this: I'll never drive a cab again."

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me