Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him 
writing a book. I've got all the pages numbered. Another productive Saturday night!
Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!
I don't care what anyone says...ice cream is a very important element to any healthy diet!!
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere
figures the only thing worse than finding out that you were given up for adoption would be learning that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.
Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.
why do strangers always have the best candy?
Whatever happened to the happy Mentos commercials. Those were the highlight of my day!!!!
We may be falling behind China in some ways, but our underground drug tunnels are second to none. USA!!
"The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.
can't wait to see the drunk version of me on camera
Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.
I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Say what you will about BP, they sure discovered a lot of freaking oil down there.
playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea
I wonder if off-duty cops slow down when they see a cop car.
There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.
I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it. 