Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The second amendment is in place in case the government ignores all others.

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

   I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

   What are the chances that Hurricane Earl will make a little detour and head up north to wipe out the cast of Jersey Shore?

   reminding you that you need to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm going to turn mine back to when I was 25.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   can't get this nicorette stuff lit.

   needs to find the stuff that's making his hair turn white and direct it towards his teeth.

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?

   What are the odds that Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch have another friendly 30 minute chat to talk about golfing and grandchildren?

   Man, there's a lot of people here suffering from advanced butt hurt. Do we need to call a whambulance for you?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get ready on time !