Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"

   thinks that anytime a conversation goes silent, you can always start it back up by slapping someones forehead and saying, "Shoulda had a V8".

   Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....

   Employees caught speaking Spanish will be paid in Pesos.

   Mickey Mouse is now 81 years old. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head.

   thinking Robin Hood was a Democrat.

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some

   Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   keep your issues in your tissue box, and learn how to keep them out of your status box..

   You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

   There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

   The girlfriend gets the wallposts, the hoes get the inbox.

   if I get sexted by somebody I don't want to sext, does that mean I got molexted?

   Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu

   BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee.

   "All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......