Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some memories hurt. Like that one time I used a plate as a frisbee.

   So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

   You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   Beginning to think that all of these people giving pro tips aren't actually experts in their respective fields.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.

   At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.

   Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.

   Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!

   How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

   Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.

   I don't care, therefore I am happy.

   When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.

   It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.