Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum

   I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

   A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until the very end. She waited until turning 101 so she can die on her “Prime”

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   I hope everyone who bought 27 bottles of disinfectant realized that we all need to wipe our hands for them to be protected.