Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p

   Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

   Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.

   Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

   "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever

   It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.

   My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored