Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

   Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorcing after 5 years of enslavement. I mean, marriage.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   poking things that confuse me with a stick.

   Now if only they could find Waldo....

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   I'm just playing devils avocado here