Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.

   There's much better things in life than alcohol but alcohol compensates for not getting them.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great

   I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !

   Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.

   Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.

   If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

   At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance