Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   October surprise. . . indeed.

   Election 2016. The real American Horror Story.....

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.