Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.

   Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.

   My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.

   Relationship status: still making mix tapes.

   Most relationships are like Rick Ross, they don't work out.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   It's not you, it's your drawn eyebrows.

   You call the shots. I'll drink them.

   Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am..

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!

   How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**

   "They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.

   Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   My son asked me what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except for 1 song.

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.