Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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i guess its time to get another dishwasher.........there is just so much drama in dating now 
WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.
What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
/ I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
having one of those days where someone needs to be hit in the face with a cactus...
Captin Obvious and general stupidty Are in the same army
doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?
never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics
The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.
found a new place to live...it includes all utilities, free meals, gym, arts & crafts...and my insurance pays for it all...The Nuthouse :o)
I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.
I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.
In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..
Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.
Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.
Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?
In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.
Missed the golden globes...My life is over... Now I only have 20 other award ceremoniess to watch that pertain to the same thing.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. 