Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I read the karma sutra, it puts me in an awkward position.

   There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard

   Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...

   Steal her heart not just once, but each and every day of her life!

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   if you want to know anything, come over to my house...i have a kid that apparently knows everything

   I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I've come.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   If you whistle while you work, your enjoying work way to much!

   just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates.

   Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   read McDonald's McRib sales are leading the charge for rebuilding the American economy. Sliding in second: toilet paper.

   You know it's bad when the only thing women feel while having sex with you is remorse.

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   Nobody's life is perfect, but life itself does have perfect moments….

   Friend: "Your phone`s ringing." Me: "Yeah, phones do that..."

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..